This week has been fun. I've been asking God to "Thrill Me" when I sit down to work on Colossians. Sometimes I say it out loud and sometimes...like this morning...I whisper it as a prayer in my mind. But the theory is true...you get what you expect. When I look at a passage of scripture with the expectation that something in it is going to thrill me spiritually...that's what usually happens. And that is what happened today. I was going on through chapter 3 reading the verses and came to verse 5. It says to put to death sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed which is idolatry. Now I've been working on Colossians since November and when I have read that verse previously, I have read it with a bit of relief. My mind usually says "Good, at least I don't have to worry about those things. Those are not things I struggle with. But this morning, God pointed out that little word greed. Greed is simply wanting more. I would define it as wanting more of something that I don't have. The opposite of contentment. I usually think of money with greed, but this morning God reminded me that greed can be wanting a different scenario...wanting a different outcome...wanting a different future that He hasn't given me.
Right now in my life. I am having trouble being content. I want things to be different. I want the outcome I would choose and I definitely am grumbly about it. I'm pretty sure that it all comes back to my pride. I want people to think I'm good and that my family is good and that we have it all figured out. I hate how much my happiness and my feelings of worth and success are wrapped up in those warped thoughts. I want to only care about what God thinks, but it is easier said than done.
So is it greed? Yup! I want what God isn't giving me. I want more and am letting myself not be content with his plan. I think I know what is best and I need to stop.
Father, please help me be content with your plan for our lives. Help me today...at the shower to not care what people think. Help me to only care about what you think about me. Help me to want more of you instead of a comfortable, non shameful life. Help me to not seek easy. Take those thought away and replace them with a more urgent and more desperate love and desire for you Father.
Asking that you remove my greed,